


try to find a little comfort in it (and I will get lonely and gasp for air)

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: BACK AT IT AGAIN, Family Issues, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, High Insight, Local Stoners Somehow The Voices Of Reason For This Team: Someone Help, Loneliness, Post Episode: c2e89 Lingering Wounds, mentioned beaujes and implied fjorclay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22094236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: "And I got a fuckton of research done these last two days, so I’m actually kinda hype about that? The bans on the gods, that’s—it’s such bullshit reasoning, you would hate it, like—“ she affects a terrible approximation of a Zemnian accent, “—mmmm, I’m King Dwendal The Older and I think that Melora and Erathis should get a divorce because civilization makes sense and nature doesn’t, ja, ja.”“What’s a divorce?”“Oh, oh. I’m—““—messing with you. It’s really easy. I’m well practiced in the field."(or: Caduceus and Beau talk stress levels, fight club gambling, and what a family might be owed.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 22
Kudos: 162





	try to find a little comfort in it (and I will get lonely and gasp for air)

**Author's Note:**

> i just want them to bond like. 2020 the year of beau and cad (and jester) facing their shit, please.
> 
> warnings for mentions of drinking, implied self-harm (nothing more than canon), and mentions of recreational drug use.
> 
> title from get lonely by tmg. of course. i mean, it's the first week of january, i _have_ to listen to tmg.

Beau approaches him in the corner of the bar, and she’s wearing Caleb’s hat. He’s wearing Fjord’s, as they’ve all kind of swapped around. He needs the brim, anyway, if they’re going to do things tomorrow, and he has his usual sunhat, but Jester had said he looked _very striking_ in Fjord’s hat, so he might change it up.

Beau points at the tankard in his hand, says, “You don’t drink.” Her lip twitches. “Do you hate this city _that_ much, dude?”

“This is tea,” he says, placid as he can be. “Fermented tea, but tea. Made it myself.” He takes another sip. He should add fruit to it; there’s a fruit at the markets in Rosohna that would work really well. “That fight was… intense. It was a lot.”

“This your first fight club? I mean, you’ve seen bar fights and shit, obviously, but—“

“I don’t think I recognized it as a… crime thing? But I definitely did some healing for some fights in Shadycreek. In exchange for supplies. I didn’t realize there was a way to make money off of it, though, that’s cool.”  


There’s a pause. “You thought people were just fighting for the sake of fighting?” Beau’s lips are pursed, and he wants to say something snarky, but he thinks better of it.

“Aren’t we all?” he asks, instead. “I mean. You saw… Yasha’s not doing what she did for the money. She wants to hurt. And that Darrow—he seems nice—does it because he wants to be appreciated. I could… not get a read on the older fellow.”

“I couldn’t either; I think he was just an old guy?” Beau shakes her head, looks puzzled. “I always forget you’re from fuckin’ _Shadycreek_.”

“It’s… certainly a town. It has its charms. And a lot of people willing to trade supplies for food or healing. I wasn’t allowed out there til after, uh, it was just three of us. I snuck out a few times, before that. Usually regretted it. Always got in trouble for it. It was, uh, my _attempt_ at rebellion.”

Beau smiles, just slightly. Takes a drink. Caduceus fidgets with the flute, holstered on his belt. The Nein’s already been warned about noise, so he won’t risk it, but he’s _extremely_ tempted.

“Are you _good_?” Beau asks. Genuine concern in her eyes.

Naïvety is an easy card to play. Beau hates card games, he knows, but, hey. “I don’t… I think it’s kind of weird to define _good_ and _bad_ in terms of people. I’d hope that I’m good. But I don’t… it doesn’t seem right to categorize someone as _good_.”

“I meant, are you okay,” and he’s very proud of Beau for trying to emotionally engage with someone, he just wishes that it weren’t _him_. “You’ve been—okay, part of it is just that I share a living space with you, and I’m, like—I’m _down_ with screaming, but only—not all day, man? And it is a fucking cool flute, just… it’s a lot _louder_ than you? Is this a—my yelling volume is normal person speaking volume so this is the only way I can _truly_ scream—or other such. Poetic bullshit. Situation? Like that.”

“Oh,” he says. “Um. No? I just… I like f—messing with people.”

“You can say the word fuck in front of me.”

“I’d make you give a blood oath that you’d never share that fact with anyone, and I think that this group’s had too much bloodshed tonight already. Um. Are _you…_ okay?”

Beau is jolted by the quick reversal; she doesn’t like to talk about herself. “I’m… fuckin’ better than Yasha.”

“Okay, but Yasha was just mind-controlled by a horrifying Betrayer God cult for several months. Let’s… okay, out of the context of our group’s assorted… issues, are you okay?”

“Could ask the same of you.”

“I told you, I’m just messing with people. Am I not allowed to have fun? Jester casts Sending on your dad and—“

“Don’t bring _that_ up. I’m fucking _fine_. Everything’s terrifying and we’re trying to fight the _Chained Oblivion_ , so I’m stressed, obviously. But I’m, like, managing. And I got a _fuckton_ of research done these last two days, so I’m actually kinda hype about that? The bans on the gods, that’s—it’s such _bullshit_ reasoning, you would _hate_ it, like—“ she affects a terrible approximation of a Zemnian accent, “— _mmmm, I’m King Dwendal The Older and I think that Melora and Erathis should get a divorce because civilization makes sense and nature doesn’t, ja, ja_.”

“What’s a divorce?”

“Oh, oh. I’m—“

“—messing with you. It’s _really_ easy. I’m well practiced in the field. No, but, uh. On the bans. It’s… it’s confusing, to me, the—maybe I’m biased in my goddess’ favor, but the ban on Her, specifically. And then—Kord, He’s unavoidable. You can’t just… get rid of rainstorms? You can’t get rid of nature’s power—why… I guess, why hide it? And the Archeart, like—okay, there are literally elves and mages here, that one’s just— _total nonsense._ Also, you’re gonna ban nature gods but not the death goddess? I—listen, I owe the Raven Queen for my existence, sure, but, uh, death is _a part of nature_ —“

“Yeah, right! Fuck, and then—you were right, that Trent was telling the fucking truth. That—“

“I _hate_ him,” Caduceus sips his drink. “I want to kill him.”

“Yeah, totally get that, but just—not now.”

“Of course. Only when it’s appropriate. I have _manners_ , Beau.”

“Okay—so. I did some research, talked to some people, and. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. The Empire has multiple beacons. Still. The one in Felderwin, and the one they showed us. They’re trying to pull a scam. And we’ll be the ones punished.”

“I’m… glad you got research done. That’ll help with… all of this. I don’t—this is all very confusing and outside of my—I’m not from here. But—outside of… okay, so. Tell me something that’s been on your mind, lately, that’s not about all of this.” And he decides, it’s Beau, he might as well give _hints_ so she has a mystery to solve. “It can… it can be _I’m secretly in love with someone in the group and it feels terrible_ , or _I don’t want to go home because I know I’ll be rejected_ —“

“I—Fjord and Caleb sound fucking insane whenever they ask you this, so I know that it’s annoying that i’m asking it, but, like. _Can you read minds?_ ”

“I have very good hearing,” he says. Blandly. Tries to make sure his eyes don’t go wide with surprise. He flicks one ear, rotates it. “These things are too big for my head. Been that way since I was a kid.”

Technically, runt that he is, the ears are the only normal sized thing about him. But Beau doesn’t need to know that. She’s got enough to know. She’s talking, nervous now. “I wasn’t… too weird. In—why am I asking _you_? Does Jester think that I’m, uh, like. Acting weird around her?”

“She bet twenty extra gold on you. More than any of us bet on anybody. I almost did the same for, uh. Someone else, but. Well. Glad I didn’t do that.”

Beau raises an eyebrow.

“She’s going through a lot, lately, Jester. I think she’s… I think she’s on the, uh, on the edge of something.”

“I agree,” and Beau nods. “I… we’re a fucked up group, Cad.”

He holds back a wince about the lack of the usual add-on of _not-you-of-course-caduceus-you’re-the-good-one_. And he says, “Yup. We’re working on that.” Hates the word _we_ for a moment. “We’re all working on that.”

“I’m worried about Travelercon, of all things. Like, _that’s_ on my mind. And, like, I trust the Traveler as much as I can trust… any weird semi-deity whose focus seems to be on dick drawing and fuckery—I _love_ dick drawing and fuckery, don’t get me wrong.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“I just… what if something goes wrong? After all that shit with the Gentleman, and—I don’t think she’s gonna handle something going wrong with the Traveler.”

“She’s got us,” he says. “You said it yourself. The other night. She’s got people who won’t reject her, won’t abandon her, won’t lie to her. Right?”

“Right,” Beau says. “You’re thinking a lot about lying, lately.”

“I tend to get really focused on certain things, yeah. Fjord and I were, uh—Fjord managed to change my mind a little bit, the other night, on it, which is—a miracle, I’d say. So did that interaction with. _Trent_. But. _Eugh_ ,” he shudders, thinking about Trent. “I just… Before I knew you people. I… wasn’t the most honest person. Wasn’t the kindest person. And I wish I… I wish that I had been better.” Beau’s face isn’t surprised. He thinks that might be why he’s telling her, and not anyone else. Beau understands this sort of thing.

“What made… Okay, I had a similar. Uh. Breakthrough. Right around when we met you. There was a big—change, obviously.” She rubs at the back of her neck. The dead member of the Nein. “You don’t get those breakthroughs on a whim.”

“I was lonely,” he says. “Still am, but. I was terribly, terribly lonely, and I realized that—“ and he betrays his own sentiment, and he lies. Omits, rather. He’s not lying. He’s just not telling the _full_ truth. “The person that my family remembers me as is not the person I want to be. If they’re… dead, that’s how they remember me. I’m that person, forever. I don’t want to be that person forever for anybody else. I'm very different now. That matters for something.”

Beau gives him a look that he’s really only seen in mirrors before. Like she’s looking through him, that’s how Fjord describes it when Caduceus does it. Beau punches the truth out of people, he remembers, quite suddenly, and stares at his drink, which has become very interesting all of the sudden.

“We’re not…” Beau sighs, looks at him. She takes off her hat. He follows suit. “I hate my fuckin’ dad,” Beau says. “I hate him, and I don’t like my mom, and their other kid, I’ve never met, but… Ikinda resent him, too. Shitty, I know. But. Um."

He’s not following, really, but he nods.

“I hate them, and I was a piece of shit, too. I messed with people, I… ran off and did underground crime shit, I hurt our family’s business. I ruined a stranger’s marriage for the sake of ruining a stranger’s marriage. And I was disowned. And… if I go back to Kamordah, if I see my parents again or meet my brother, gods know what the fuck they’ll think of me.”

Oh. That’s where she’s going with this.

He nods. “If we see them, Beau? We’ll have your back. You know that we will.”

“And we’ll have yours.”

“You’re…” he shuffles through his brain for words. Can’t find a better one. “You’re a good friend, Beau. Your family doesn’t deserve you.”

“If yours is anything like mine, yours doesn’t deserve _you_ , either.”

It stings, even if he knows the intent is kind. He says, “They’re not… like that.” Because they can’t be. He knows that people tend to idolize the people they can no longer be around, make martyrs of them, but he’s not like that, he knows better. He helps people get through that sort of thing. That’s what he does. He’s wise enough not to repeat unhealthy behaviors. Except he does, because he knows that what he does is not healthy, but he doesn’t have another option, there. Everything either goes in boxes or is twisted and justified to be felt now as a good thing. He sees Jester do this. He sees Beau do this. He thinks that they understand him more than he’d like them to, and vice versa. 

He kind of likes that.

“You called me a hot mess.”

“Yeah. Your hearing _is_ good, if you heard that over the bone-screams.”

“I can’t punch ghosts or punch the truth out of people, I ought to be allowed to have _some_ talents.”

“Sure,” she says. “Y’know. I got a bag full of shrooms burning through my pocket, by the way. You wanna hit the roof and _not_ think about this shit? I know you'd prefer it to, uh,” and she points to the crowd.

“Oh, absolutely.”

And they leave. Like that.

**Author's Note:**

> comment kudo etc please! ily!  
> tumblr @yahooanswer


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